Staple ninjas steal my stapler

Reporter: Brandan Loney

Write story, lend stapler. Rewrite story lend scissors. Write final draft, lend stapler again.
I can’t say that I’m ready for class every day because I’m organized. All I do to be ready is leave everything in my backpack, since I’m too lazy to remove my school stuff unless I absolutely have to.
But when I take my seat on any given Wednesday, my little black stapler is like a French fry thrown to the gulls. I can almost guarantee before I’m even finished my morning coffee, someone is at my side looking at me with puppy dog eyes. And before they speak my little black stapler is walking away to be used on foreign paper.
Don’t get me wrong; it’s not the entire class approaching me one after the other like poor children at a soup kitchen.
But these other class mates with their own stapler and scissors have got to be using a stealth technique taught to them by ninja masters because when I actively listen for “can I borrow your stapler?” I don’t hear it, unless it’s directed at me. And I never witness the act of stapling either. It’s a little suspicious.

To combat the almost constant siege of students, I’ve begun lying to them saying that I forgot the stapler. Then, when it comes time to staple my work, I attempt to hide the stapler up the sleeve of my hoody and muffle the sound with a cough or distraction of some kind.
It has been suggested to me that I charge others to use my stapler. This actually didn’t cross my mind until it was suggested, probably because I don’t care too much about money, but the idea has merit. Perhaps I could pay off a portion of my tuition by charging by the staple. What has crossed my mind, as a way to get rid of staple stealers, is to send them on a wild goose chase.
Something along the lines of “I didn’t bring mine, I used someone else’s.” And then watch the person wander from table to table asking for a stapler. It’s given me a chuckle before.
I love helping people, but it does get irritating when it interrupts my work. So to my classmates I say, if you’re not coming in prepared, then don’t get offended if or when I play a few tricks on you for my own amusement.